Ask Liz: How to spice up self-pleasure, and other questions answered by a local sexologist

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Sexuality is a crucial aspect to one’s overall health and well-being. Although the society we live in is obsessed with sex, it is prudish enough to halt honest sex-related conversations. Ask Liz is an advice column that offers Charlotte locals the opportunity to ask their questions about sex and sexuality, and get well-informed, professional answers from Liz Mallers, a local sexologist. Click here for answers to questions about dealing with  dry spells, how to discuss experimenting in the bedroom, and whether the G spot is real.

To submit your own question, send an email to with the subject line “Ask Liz.”

Dear Liz,

I know sexologists are reluctant to say how much sex is “normal,” but for years my partner and I have had sex every day (and frequently several times per day) and we are always amazed that we virtually never hear of other couples who score daily… especially couples who are committed and living together and otherwise physically capable. While we know we are in the above average part of the bell curve, do you or other sexologists think there might be cause to worry that most of the population really aren’t having enough sex? – Busy in Ballantyne

Hello BIB,

Sexologists are not worried about the frequency of sex between partners, as long as both partners are satisfied with it. There have been studies showing that couples who have sex at least twice a week on average report being more satisfied in the relationship in general more than couples who have sex less frequently. However, there are so many factors that play into relationship satisfaction that it’s impossible to put all that pressure on frequency of sex. Also consider that there are different types of attraction: sexual, romantic, intellectual, physical/sensual, emotional… So, some couples may have found their way together with a stronger sense of romantic attraction and a weaker sexual attraction, for example. Sounds like you and your partner have a heavy dose of sexual attraction! Rock on! – Love, Liz

Dear Liz,

I am bored with my solo sex life! I have used the same toy for about 2.5 years (it’s a G-spot specific toy, but I almost exclusively use it as an external vibrator) and have seemed to master reaching climax in record time. I’m a little hesitant to masturbate vaginally, but am not closed to the idea. Masturbation isn’t as fun for me anymore and although I do still enjoy the climax, the work to get there seems more like a chore than a fun exploration of my body. How do I spice up my sex life without spending an exuberant amount of time and emotional energy?  -Buzzing for Beta

Howdy BFB,

You are not alone, this happens to many people, sometimes multiple times throughout life. Not to fear! There are tons of ways to switch it up. Take a break from your vibe for a while, don’t rely on it so much. Try stimulating your body in various ways to figure out different/new sensations you enjoy: touch or stimulate your body from head to toe including and excluding your genital hotspots; play with temperature (ice cubes and metal spoons heated by warm water); assorted textures (lightly drag fork prongs or scratchy Velcro across your skin followed by a soft feather or silky scarf); take away some of your senses (blindfold yourself or put in earplugs to cause yourself to be hyper-focused on other sensations). Go slowly, detailing your scalp, forehead, ears, eyelids, lips, working your way down to your ankles, bridge of your foot, toes… This kind of exploration will and should take time, at least initially, to find new stimuli you can enjoy and master. Do yourself that favor! You might be feeling bored with yourself in part because you aren’t taking the time or spending too much effort for yourself.  Imagine if a partner spent the same time and effort on you. Would you be underwhelmed? Be a good partner to yourself. If you are truly pressed for time, but want to give yourself some foreplay, wear a butt plug or internal vaginal toy while you go grocery shopping. Too risqué? Throw on some lingerie under your clothes, or go commando for a day – whatever makes you feel sexy for you. – Love, Liz



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