Ask Liz: Dealing with dry spells, and other questions answered by a local sexologist

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Sexuality is a crucial aspect to one’s overall health and well-being. Although the society we live in is obsessed with sex, it is prudish enough to halt honest sex-related conversations. Ask Liz is an advice column that offers Charlotte locals the opportunity to ask their questions about sex and sexuality, and get well-informed, professional answers from Liz Mallers, a local sexologist. To submit your question, send an email to lovelizsexology@gmail.com with the subject line “Ask Liz.”

Dear Liz,

I’m interested in experimenting, but I don’t know how to bring that up with my partner. How should I navigate that conversation?  -Tongue Tied

Hello TT,

Sometimes the hardest part about a conversation is starting it. Find a good hour or two when both of you are free of pressing stress and obligations. Use “I” statements to ensure that this is about you exploring, not your partner being deficient in bed. For example, “I have been really curious about trying something new with you,” instead of, “would you do XYZ?” Be respectful of your partner, as they may not want to jump into that particular exploration with you now, if ever. If the activity in mind is extreme compared to your usual sexual activity, suggest to start small and take baby steps. Don’t know exactly what you want to explore? Check out Mojo Upgrade, “an interactive sex questionnaire for couples to help them discover the fantasies that they might both enjoy together” (mojoupgrade.com). Most importantly be honest, respectful, and consensual. Good luck!

Dear Liz,

The G spot… is it real?  -Nothin’ But a G Thang

Hi NBAGT,

The G spot has been debated long before Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg “discovered” it, giving its name in the early 80s. By definition, the G spot is a sensitive area located on the anterior wall of the vagina that is rumored to be highly orgasmic and can cause female ejaculation. Many sexologists describe it as an erogenous zone, an area of heightened sensitivity that, when stimulated, causes sexual arousal. Some other EZs are the ears, lower back, nipples, and nape of the neck. Although we share many of the same EZs, we also experience unique EZs, and feel varying levels of sensitivity on those spots. This may explain why some women feel a G spot, while others do not. Another bit of info to consider is that the clitoris extends into two legs that straddle the vaginal canal. Depending on a person’s anatomy, tickling her G spot may actually be tickling their internal clitoris, which some might consider clitoral stimulation, not the G spot. There doesn’t seem to be a definitive answer for this question, but in my opinion, it adds to the fun!

Dear Liz,

My girlfriend and I usually have pretty regular sex, but lately we’ve been in a dry spell. How do we bring back the spark? -Dry As The Desert

Hey DATD,

It’s completely normal to go through dry spells. The first step is to lift the pressure off yourself and your partner. Stress is one of the biggest libido depressors. Alleviate stress by exercising, which also naturally boosts your testosterone, the driving force behind everyone’s libido. Physical activity also helps with blood flow, a key part of sexual arousal. Take your partner on a venturesome date to get your dopamine pumping, which increases arousal and attraction. Try a new recipe to cook together or travel to a new destination. Novelty does wonders for the libido, as routine can hinder it. Touch each other more, in non-sexual terms, like rubbing her back and holding hands to invoke feelings of attachment. Spend less time looking at screens, and more time looking at each other. Eye contact produces similar lovey feelings that touching does. I hope both of you are masturbating! It sounds counterproductive, but having orgasms increases testosterone production, which spikes libido over time. The more you masturbate, the more you’ll crave that release. Above all, be patient and kind to yourself and each other during this frustrating dry spell. Try a few new activities, spend dinners together, and you’ll be back at it again soon.

 

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