Last week I read this Charlotte Observer column titled “Managing Millennials with a pitch fork (sic) will get you fired.” Of course, I didn’t read it in the actual paper because I’m a millennial.

I saw the link on social media and thought, “Hey! I manage some millennials and no one has specifically told me I can’t use pitchforks. I’ve clearly missed an HR memo.” And so I clicked on it and was immediately bored because I’m a millennial and therefore only read articles in list form.

Those first four sentences before I stopped reading (because I’m certain I’ve already read this EXACT article before on The Onion) and clicked back over to Instagram did make me wonder though: How millennial am I? I’ve never scheduled a meeting via Snapchat. And I’ve definitely never rescheduled a meeting for when a “podcast is not playing.” Am I doing millennial wrong?

So I created a quiz based on the original article to help us all.*

(1) Did you even read this article before this CharlotteFive response?

(a) No. What’s a newspaper?
(b) I saw the headline on my Facebook feed. Does that count?
(c) Yes, but only because I thought it was about pitchforks and I’m taking up urban organic gardening.
(d) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just scrolled down here through all those words to take this quiz.

(2) Have you ever listened to a “killer podcast?”

(a) Killer … that’s slang from 2001, right? Do you mean a dope podcast? Sure.
(b) I wish you’d put this quiz on a podcast. I’m tired of reading.
(c) Yes. “Serial.” About the killer. I get it. Adnan is totally guilty.
(d) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just scrolled down here through all those words to take this quiz.

(3) Do you socialize at “micro breweries or establishments where craft ales are served?”

(a) I’m sitting in one right now, reading this on my phone. Thanks for making this site mobile-friendly!
(b) Not since they kicked out my dog.
(c) Are you talking about bars? This is weird wording.
(d) Only when I’m not drinking PBR ironically.

(4) Have you ever scheduled a meeting via Snapchat?

(a) I don’t SCHEDULE my meetings on Snapchat. I HAVE my meetings on Snapchat.
(b) Snapchat is so 2015. I use Instagram stories.
(c) Nope. Strictly smoke signals for meeting scheduling. #sarcasm
(d) Seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just scrolled down here to take this quiz.

(5) Have you ever been given a trophy for participation?

(a) Does the one I’m giving myself for finishing this ridiculous quiz count?
(b) Yes, on Snapchat. While scheduling a meeting.
(c) This is insulting. I deserved that Best Beer Drinker title. Don’t deny me that.
(d) I use the trophy emoji a lot. Is that the same thing? *thinking face emoji*

Thanks for taking our quiz! Here are the results:

Mostly A: You’re millennial AF.
Mostly B: I can’t even with how millennial you are.
Mostly C: So millennial. Dead.
Mostly D: v millennial.

*Seriously though, as much as I enjoyed making this quiz (and Googling slang words), isn’t it time for columns like “Managing millennials with a pitch fork” to stop? And not just because they’re obvious click bait, but because mocking a group because of their age is innately divisive.

So, let’s call a truce, Baby Boomers (and even a few Gen Xers — you know who you are). You stop stereotyping us as lazy and overly sensitive, and we’ll happily pull out the earbuds the next time you want to talk. And, if you’re lucky, maybe we’ll even take the time to teach you some better slang than “killer.”

Photo: James C. Best, Jr./The New York Times

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