Ladies: Are you planning to take your gentleman to see the new “Fifty Shades Darker” movie this weekend? Here’s a list of 50 thoughts that may pop into his brain during the risque romantic thriller, based on this guy’s experience Wednesday night.
1. Uhhhhhh, she said I wouldn’t be the only guy here. I don’t see any other guys here.
2. I gotta find a place for this jacket other than my lap.
3. “Nobody said it was easy… It’s such a shame for us to part…” Wait, I know this song, I know this song. Who originally sang this song? Come on, think…
4. Oh, shoot, Tuesday’s Valentine’s Day, isn’t it? Duh. Of course. That’s why this movie is out this weekend.
5. I’ll bet all the good restaurants are completely booked by now. Sigh.
6. Stupid. Stupid.
7. I mean, personally, I’d be just fine with something like Mac’s, but…
8. Coldplay! That’s a Coldplay song. But what’s the name of that song. I know it, I know it, oh, it’s right on the tip of my tongue…
9. “Christian Grey.” “Anastasia Steele.” These sound like porn stars’ names.
10. Or like characters from a Disney princess movie.
11. Dude, the juxtaposition of those two things: Not cool.
12. Yeah, so anyway, I don’t get Christian’s job. Billionaire; got that. But CEO of a “multinational conglomerate”? What the hell is a multinational conglomerate?? Must Google tonight…
13. “The Scientist”! That’s it. “The Scientist” by Coldplay. Man, I hate that song.
14. I can’t be sure, but I think Anastasia just said “kinky f—ery.”
15. As in: “I was being romantic and then you go and distract me with your kinky (blank)ery.”
16. I’m gonna go ahead and guess… hmm… 19 percent on Rotten Tomatoes by Friday.
17. Wow, Kim Basinger still looks great. I wonder how old she is now. Must Google tonight…
18. She was so good in “L.A. Confidential.” Now THAT’s a movie.
19. Do I have that on DVD? I think I have that on DVD. Who doesn’t have that on DVD?
20. Wait, Christian and Anastasia are not seriously going to a masquerade ball, are they?
21. Come on, do even super-rich people really honestly throw masquerade balls?
22. Huh-huh-huh: “masquerade balls.”
23. Oh, look: More “kinky (blank)ery”!
24. Where would you even go to get one of those ankle things he put on her? Must Google tonight…
25. That’s it. Jacket’s going on the floor.
26. Aaaaannd here’s that Taylor Swift song.
27. “I don’t wanna live for-e-ver… I can’t get this song outta my head… until I fall asleep…”
28. I wonder if my (girlfriend/fiancee/wife) really knows how much I love her.
29. Taylor Swift, that is.
30. Christian’s got the most killer home gym I’ve ever seen. Wait, is that a pommel horse?
31. I need to start lifting again.
32. I wonder how much a Y membership is. Must Google tonight…
33. How many crunches over how many days would it take to get a six-pack?
34. “I don’t wanna live for-e-ver… I can’t get this song outta my head… until I fall aslee…”
39. Wait. Where am I??
40. Whoa. How long was I out for?
41. Yikes. I wonder if she noticed.
42. I wonder how much “kinky (blank)ery” I missed.
43. Oh, apparently I missed a helicopter crash.
44. All he suffered was a scratch on the forehead and a slightly ripped T-shirt??
45. I’m changing my prediction: 11 percent on Rotten Tomatoes by Friday.
48. I haven’t been this happy to see the end credits of a movie since – actually, since “Fifty Shades of Grey”!
49. She owes me for this. We’re definitely going to see the new Wolverine movie next week.
50. Where’d my jacket go?
Photo: Doane Gregory/AP